Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
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She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
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Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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