My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
