They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
