I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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