I am spending my child support on dildos
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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