hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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