I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
you inspire me to be a worse person
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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