Apparently you make a good broom.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
this hospital has no fireball
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
