Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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