: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
