we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
