shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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