Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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