I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
