6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
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i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
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Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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