You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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