dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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