watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
