I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
