i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
