with your own penis?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
