She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
you're hired as official boob wrangler
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
