Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
