God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
