did you get engaged???
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
