The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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