That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.