Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
