Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.