I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
