Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
