Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
