the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
