Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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