Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
