Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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