Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
