STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
