I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
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