Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
The beer is more important than you right now.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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