in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
