Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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