i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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