Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
