glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
