if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
