He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
