If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Randomize
