just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
