It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
