can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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