I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
