Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
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