I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
