Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
