I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
