so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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