I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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