No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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