I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
