just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
just tell him i said nine months
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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