wanna go halves on a baby?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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