On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
