Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
He passed out mid-signature
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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