The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
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