Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
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I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
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I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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