Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
