Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
We need a shit load of segways right now
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
