I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
